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Letting off Steam  Anger can be a healthy emotion, when it’s expressed appropriately. When it’s not, it can have a devastating effect. In this article we take a look at how to keep your cool when the temperature rises.
Maybe you have never kicked the cat, banged your head violently against a brick wall, or smashed your 32-piece dinner set to smithereens, but one thing’s for sure, there have been times when you’ve felt like doing so. Don’t be ashamed; anger is a completely normal, usually healthy emotion that only becomes destructive when it gets out of control.
Charles Spielberger, a psychologist who specialises in the study of anger, says: ‘Anger is an emotional state that can vary from mild irritation to intense fury’. Well, we’ve all been mildly irritated, so is anger management only for those people who fly into purple rages, scream at the top of their voices and stomp all over the flowerbeds.
No. One of the problems with anger is that not only does it manifest itself differently in different individuals, it also affects us all in different ways; ways that we might not even be aware of. Some of us will get angry easily, others don’t realise how angry they are, but are irritable and grumpy the whole time. Others turn their anger inwards, withdraw socially, and become physically ill. Wherever you sit on the rage scale, these nine steps will help you master your anger, so you can express your feelings appropriately...
1. Don’t let it all out
‘ Shout, shout, let it all out.’ A great pop lyric but, as psychologists will tell you, a dangerous thing to put into practice. Research has found that letting rip actually escalates anger and aggression, and does nothing to help you resolve the situation. It’s best to find out what triggers your anger, and then develop strategies to keep those triggers from tipping you over the edge.
2. Do some cognitive restructuring
Cognitive restructuring is the psychologists’ term for changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear or speak in an excited manner that reflects their inner thoughts. When you’re angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic, so it’s important to try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones.
Get into the habit of thinking logically. Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to make you feel better. Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it’s justified, can quickly become irrational. Avoid using words like ‘never’ or ‘always’. This fax never works’ or ‘he’s always late’ are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there’s no way to solve the problem.
Angry people often demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don’t get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren’t met, their disappointment becomes anger.
As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying ‘I would like something’ is healthier than saying ‘I should have something’. Then whenever you’re unable to get what you want, you will experience the same feelings everybody else does – frustration, disappointment, hurt – but not anger.
3 Start problem solving
Sometimes, anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it’s a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. But there is also a belief in our culture that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn’t necessarily the case.
The best attitude to bring to such a situation is to focus not on finding the solution, but rather on how to handle and face the problem. Begin by making a plan to help you overcome the problem and check your progress along the way. Give it your best, but don’t punish yourself if a solution doesn’t come up immediately.
If you can approach a problem with the best intentions and effort, and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem doesn’t get solved right away.
4 Find a hobby
Often those people who are most prone to anger feel that there is something lacking in their lives. They feel they have missed out on opportunities, that they’ve left things too late. Sometimes they become so obsessed with making the most of their time that they forget to enjoy themselves. They end up being in too much of a hurry to spend anytime getting some fun out of life.
This is a very bad habit to get into and if you don’t have a hobby that you really enjoy doing at least once a week then get one.
5. Communicate better
Angry people tend to jump to – and act on – conclusions, some of which can be fairly wild. The first thing to do, if you are in a heated discussion and you feel anger rising, is slow down and think through your responses.
Don’t say the first thing that comes into your head, but think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering. Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. It’s natural to get defensive when you’re criticised, but don’t fight back. Instead, listen to what’s underneath the words. Keeping your cool can prevent the situation from becoming a disastrous one.
6. Use humour
American psychologist Dr Deffenbacher says that angry people tend to feel they are morally correct, that any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and that they should not have to suffer this way. To counteract an oncoming flash of anger, he suggests you picture yourself as a supreme ruler who owns all the streets, shops, houses and office buildings, striding along and getting your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realise that maybe you are being a little unreasonable and that your demands are in fact quite funny.
There are two cautions in using humour. First, don’t try to just laugh off your problems; rather , use humour to help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don’t give in to harsh, sarcastic humour; that’s just another form of unhealthy anger expression. Remember, don’t take yourself too seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it’s often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh.
7. Spend sometime by yourself
Sometimes our immediate surroundings give us cause for anger. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry. Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some personal time scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful.
8. Get some help
If you feel that your anger is really out of control, if it is having an impact on your relationship and on important parts of your life, you might consider counselling to learn how to handle it better. With counselling, psychologists say, a highly angry person can move closer to middle range of anger in about eight to ten weeks, depending on circumstances and the techniques used.
9. Learn to relax
Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing, can really help calm angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, but there are some simple steps you can try. Practice these techniques daily, and learn to use them automatically when you’re in a tense situation:
Breathe deeply from your diaphragm (breathing from your chest won’t relax you).
Picture your breath coming up from the pit of your stomach.
Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as ‘relax’ or ‘take it easy’. Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply
Use imagery; visualise a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination
Practise non-strenuous, slow, yoga-like or t’ai chi exercises that will relax your muscles and make you feel calmer.
Manage that anger
Psychologists recommend draining, an anger management exercise, for use by people who have difficulty in controlling their emotions.
1. Tense all your muscles and breathe in
2. Remain tense for five seconds
3. Begin to relax gradually, starting with your head and moving down to your feet, exhaling slowly as you do so.
4. Repeat steps one to three several times.
5. Once you have this technique mastered, think of someone or something that angers you
6. Then tense up and start to relax as described above
7. As you relax imagine that the anger is draining out of you – that all the negative emotion is leaking out of the tips of your toes and is now in a puddle at your feet
8. Once your anger has completely drained, step aside, out of the puddle, and leave your anger on the floor behind you.
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